Choosing Faith Over Fear

Have you ever had to face Fear head on? Well, today was that day for me. One of my biggest challenges in life has been coming face to face with Fear. At one point I would look at myself and be totally disgusted that I lacked the courage to stand up to Fear, but today I became willing to do whatever it takes to rise above.

To me, Fear is a man and I have lived with this man my entire life. An abusive man, one who belittled me and made me feel like I was never and could never be enough. A man who had so much influence over me that at times I was convinced that it would be best if I were to just end it all. Yes, end my own life.

It was because of Fear that I just allowed things to happen to me and never had the courage to stand up for myself and put an end to the things I knew weren\’t right. I had become so used to the presence of Fear that it started to control every part of my life from where I worked, to what I did with my time and the company I kept.

Acknowledging fear.

One day I became curious about where Fear even came from, so I decided that it was time for us to have a conversation. Looking Fear in the face, I asked him, \”Where did you come from?\” He responded by telling me that he had been invited in. Suddenly, I saw Shame and Guilt easing their way into the conversation… that\’s when it dawned on me. Fear was a byproduct and partner to the things that I\’d been holding onto in my life.

The Root Cause.

As a child, I experienced a lot of abuse; physical, mental, emotional and psychological abuse. I never learned to accept myself the way God made me. I was always programmed to believe that I was not good and because of that I deserved to be punished. The punishment that I experienced was not normal punishment for a child, this was more like torture and abuse. At an early age, I learned to be so ashamed of myself that I began to hate everything about me. I remember I had gotten into trouble at school one time because my teacher caught me writing over and over in a journal that \”I hate myself.\”

It was this self-hate that took root inside of me and began to grow bigger, ultimately solidifying the presence of Shame. Because of the fruit (or behavior) that came from Shame being planted in me I was moved from family member to family member. There weren\’t many people who were willing to put up with the behavior stemming from Shame. In fact, I\’ve come to believe that they really didn\’t know what to do about it… if there was anything that they could have done at all.

Introducing Guilt.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that this was all my fault, and I was labeled a \”bad child,\” a \”troubled teen\” even sometimes being casted out as a \”liar\” or a \”troublemaker.\” This was when Guilt decided to move in and accompany Shame. After years of their existence in my life, I became a terror and started acting out even more. These seeds were well rooted, and the fruit was blossoming so much that they invited in their partners Apathy, Grief and ultimately… Fear.

Facing Fear.

For so long Fear has stood in the way of me being the best, most confident version of myself. Fear has caused me to miss out on so many wonderful opportunities and walked me into some pretty traumatizing situations. Up until this point in my life, Fear had me totally paralyzed, seeing life through a peephole and drinking from a coffee straw. My relationship with Fear kept me from speaking my truth and caused me to go into survival mode, creating near death situations and forming a fat suit to keep the real me safe.

I\’ve come to the realization that having Fear in my life was not keeping me safe at all, in fact it had been the very thing destroying my destiny. I\’ve decided to expose Fear and let go of the things keeping him here. It\’s been challenging identifying the truth and coming face to face with Fear, but I\’ve had enough and it\’s time for him to go!

Finding Faith.

Not long-ago Faith came into my life. Since I met Faith, I\’ve been able to see life in a whole new light. Faith has opened doors for me and even introduced me to Hope, Love, Peace and Joy. After spending time basking in the newness of what life has become for me, I decided to divorce Fear. I have to admit it hasn\’t been easy and I am still in the process of moving on, but I made a decision to move on with Faith and there is no turning back.

My First Faith Testimony